Welcome to Marriage Myth #2! As you read on, I encourage you to search the corners of your own mind, invite your spouse to do the same and discuss together your beliefs about what marriage means. When you both honestly make the effort to do so, I anticipate that your connection will blossom, your patience for one another will increase, and your love will deepen. Give it a shot and please let me know how it goes! (PS – What did you and your spouse discover about your endorsement or rejection of Myth #1? I can’t wait to hear your comments.)
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Myth #2: No matter how I behave, my spouse should love me simply because he/she is my spouse.
It may be the wording, but this one was hard for me. I absolutely believe (even though the author of the article may advise me otherwise) that my spouse SHOULD love me no matter how I behave. I also believe that I owe the same to him. In my mind, that’s what we signed up for when we said “I do”. We are both going to have bad days. We are both going to make mistakes. We are both going to behave poorly from time to time. I would hate to think that our love for and commitment to one another is conditional upon appropriate behavior at all times and in all things and in all places.
When I make mistakes, I want to be able to fall back on our marriage vows and know that my husband will still have my back. I want him to feel the same from me. That said, I also understand that my spouse and I both have our limits. While we should love one another regardless of behavior (within reason and, of course, barring abuse), we should also seek to do everything we can to make ourselves easier to love. When I make mistakes, it is my job to acknowledge the stress that my behavior inflicts on my husband. My acknowledgement of his stress should drive me to make better decisions in the future so that his life will be easier. It’s his job to love me for better or worse, but it’s my job to give him the better version of me as often as I can.
So tell us, what did you discover about Myth #1 and how do you feel about Myth #2?
~Candice
Full article here: Relationship_Stages_Myths
Certainly, love should not be conditioned upon always-perfect behavior. But far too many people think that this means they never have to censor their own words, never have to apologize, never have to invest some extra effort into rising above a bad mood or taking on a difficult task or doing something they don’t want to do just because it would be pleasing to their spouse. It is that attitude that makes this a myth.
In any marriage, we are all going to have inescabably bad moods, we are going to make mistakes, exercise poor judgment, say foolish things, wear the wrong clothes, forget the occasional promise, etc., etc. We need to recognize each other as flawed human beings who are lovable despite (maybe sometimes because of) our flaws. A marriage of committed love gives us a place where we are safe to be ourselves, where it is safe to make mistakes and to learn from them without having to fear the direst of consequences. With that understanding, both partners will have things to apologize for, things to forgive, and things to just diplomatically ignore.
Thanks for your thoughts Rosemary. I especially loved your idea that there are some things about our loved ones that we just have to “diplomatically ignore”. Every day we can choose to waste time being annoyed or spend a little extra energy to see our spouse for the lovable (albeit it goofy and sometimes ridiculous) person he or she is. Well said.